Through 2018 and now in 2020, we've received many lovely words and encouragements. The one thing that people have continued to comment on is our positive spirit and optimistic outlook and I thought i'd share a little on what that really is to us... to me... on a day that is sunny and beautiful outside but dry and weary in here.
To be honest, the optimism, positivity and hopeful spirit doesn't come from just inner strength or sheer will power. Sure, there are times when the times are tough and you just have to buck up and push on. More often than not though, that's just not enough - especially when physical pain is involved. Here's my personal truth : the only way I can stay strong through all of this shit, is because whether i understand it or not, like it or not, or feel like it or not, i genuinely believe i'm right in the middle of God's storm.
I don't believe for a second that cancer was God's will for me, or any of the shit that's come with it... but for some incredible reason, He knows that we'll somehow not just be able to bear it, but also thrive through it. Now i don't want to enter into a theological public debate (but am genuinely happy to chat more if anyone wants to PM me), but i just know that that's the only thing that i can hold on to that enables me to sail through the storm. It doesn't make it any less challenging or difficult, but you can't have faith without uncertainty and i've often cried out for Him to give me more faith... bit of a stupid prayer in retrospect.
So, does this mean God wants me to feel pain? or that God wanted me to have cancer? or that sickness is His will for my life?
I don't fricken know! but I don't believe so. Which (good) parent would wish sickness or hurt on their kid. I wouldn't. But i know a muscle needs to be torn before it can build. A plant needs to be pruned before it can really bear fruit. And a seed has to die before it becomes a strong and mighty tree.
This is the only way i'm getting through this journey with strength and hope. It's not coz Chels and i are super strong or even super faith-filled. Today is a tough day where no one feels like praying and sometimes we even find ourselves asking "what's the point of praying at all?!" but that's fine. that's just being honest and human. We can't be positive all the time, nor should we; but the key is that we somehow get back up and push forward toward the hope that lies before us - the breath-taking horizon that entices us to keep going.
And with each step, each passing day, each mini victory, we can look around and see something we'd never seen before, had we not kept going... and come this far.
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